Metropolitan police chief Sir Ian Blair has put out a call for people of the ‘right stuff’ to come along and join the police. So what’s this all about then, eh? Well, with Tony Blair’s blessing Sir Ian has been busy issuing a series of prime directives detailing what sort of police force would be required for the 21st Century.

Sir Ian wants to establish a new regime within the police that exemplifies a much more caring and sensitive service. “We need to eliminate machismo behaviour throughout the force, and bring about a cultural change,” trills Sir Ian. After a series of intense meetings with the Prime Minister, Sir Ian now believes that he has established a blueprint for the kind of service that he has always desired.

One of the main recommendations being put forward in the directives is a number of group therapy sessions held in various local police stations throughout the country, the idea generally is to address the problem of homophobia within the service. Many in the police hierarchy call it ‘Sir Ian’s suck it and see’ policy. Heterosexuals will be explicitly required to attend the sessions, where all helmets will be suitably polished and lined up in accordance with existing regulations, these sessions will be supervised by homosexual bobbies which will end in a group hug or as described in the directives, ‘A deeply affectionate body fondle’. This practice involves squeezing, slapping, massaging and gently pulling another policeman’s genitals, however any testicle wrenching will result in a very severe reprimand by the local force superintendent.

Body fondling, will not be the only available activity. To promote ‘Oh, what a gay time where’re having’ a kind of policeman’s review magazine, several bobbies showing the right attitude will be photographed and featured on the front cover. This picture will show them naked having just finished playing in their local police station showers, a game called ‘Kick the soap’, this requires throwing a small bar of soap on the shower floor (It has to be small so that the bobbies spend more time bent over trying to pick it up) and generally chasing it around. All kinds of genital and buttock groping will be actively encouraged i.e. a suitably inclined desk sergeant waving a long thin wooden rod, with a soapy sponge on the end, would be expected to insert the sponge regularly but gently into the buttock clefts of all those there, whilst shouting things like let’s ‘bum rumba’, and ‘Who wants to blow my whistle?’ thus encouraging maximum participation.

Points will be awarded to the first bobby to retrieve the soap, and the one that has accrued the most points after an hours play will then be selected for further sessions where he can be fast-tracked for promotion, but only if he shows a tendency to willingly understand the frustrations of being a homosexual in today’s society.

Many Government Ministers are already lining up to be associated with Sir Ian’s new and exciting ‘Blueprint’. How about you?

Please release this information only to those that you think suitable to carry this policy forward. Thank you.

Billy Grumbles
(Downing Street insider)